“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
You Might Also Like
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
It鈥檚 funny how鈥攅specially in small towns鈥攚e think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won鈥檛 steal any more of my chairs.
I only attract psychopaths. If you鈥檝e ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My dad would freak tf out!馃ぃ馃拃
Please don鈥檛 block me 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
if you can鈥檛 handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don鈥檛 deserve me at my mimimimimi
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The Struggle
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Don鈥檛 watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!馃槀
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.