Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally