CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?