“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water