It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages