Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.