@IamEnidColeslaw

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

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@bornmiserable

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

@bornmiserable

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@ThisOneSayz

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?