“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.