Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
You Might Also Like
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*