Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
You Might Also Like
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes