Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Respect
I’m not stressed
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.