Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
You Might Also Like
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
subtitles are so good nowadays
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Rambo Rambow
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes