Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Oh we’ve met.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.