“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You Might Also Like
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.