Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.