@antheanton

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

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@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@Book_Krazy

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

@YourMomsucksTho

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

@EndhooS

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

@AndyAsAdjective

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]