@antheanton
@david8hughes I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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@david8hughes 
@Book_Krazy Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
@MythicPicnic Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
@aidanjsears [my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
@YourMomsucksTho good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
@BatBatshitcrazy It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
@EndhooS [On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
@TheBoydP Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
@AndyAsAdjective wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
@Izianikapani “Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]