I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…