I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I put the h in mysterious.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’