I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
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My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
checking out some reviews of my local library
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Oh deer
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My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁