I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
yeet
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
craving $300 all of a sudden