I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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Who called it baking and not making love
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
i hope my email finds you on fire
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Cheer up.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
we’re gonna need another temp
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.