hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me 2 months after i graduated
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.