hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
Me: Told you.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Siri: Retweet me.