hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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