Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.