I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
i think both sides are to blame here