I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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Breaking news:
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.