I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
everyone has that one prude friend
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony