Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I鈥檒l let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don鈥檛 you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Body: so tired
Brain: can鈥檛 sleep
Body: okay then, let鈥檚 pee every 15 minutes
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Haha! 馃槀
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If you鈥檝e never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it鈥檚 bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don鈥檛 know wtf you鈥檙e talking about