“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
apparently this year was written by stephen king
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints