“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out