What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together