The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
You Might Also Like
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
nice challenge
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”