Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
You Might Also Like
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
my sentiments exactly
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad