Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.![]()
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
that colleague who touches your screen
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….