You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’