My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*