The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

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“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire


[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?


“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”


My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever


judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.


“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.