The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes