I’m tired tomorrow.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Don’t we all.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!