ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My teenage children choosing violence
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
S O O N
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows