If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE