Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]