[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys