My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me trying to “trust the process”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given