Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
This has made my week.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Lol.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”