Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*