difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Finally
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]