I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.