[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR