my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
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Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.