tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.