BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
You Might Also Like
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN