Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
john wicks are toilet candles
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.