Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.