Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.