If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”