Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
uncle dave has been through hell
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.