When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”