Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
“Why you watching this shit?”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
#NoRestForTheWicked
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Noah
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie