[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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“OMGJK” -atheists
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!